Dannielynn Smith...

I think all the potential fathers of Anna Nicole Smith's baby should get together on the Maury show and have a DNA test. That would solve everything. The trial would go a lot smoother if they actually did a paternity test to figure out who's the father instead of arguing about it on national television. I'm absolutely confident that Maury Povich can solve this issue better than anyone.



So who are the candidates?

1. Larry Birkhead


Could Larry be the father? I don't know, but this is what Wikipedia had to say about it:
Birkhead was Smith's ex-boyfriend and is a freelance entertainment reporter/photographer in Los Angeles, California.When the question came up, Birkhead denied receiving money for media interviews, though he has received royalties for archived pictures he took of Smith.

According to Birkhead on February 21, 2007 while on the stand, he and Smith lived together from August 2004 to April 2005 – and in January 2005 Smith told him she was pregnant, but a month later lost the baby. Smith's former friend Laurie Payne in sealed court documents filed November 2, 2006, said Smith was pregnant with another one of Birkhead's children before Dannielynn, but she miscarried.

He took pictures of a whore and got royalties from him. And he fathered a miscarriage. Does that make him the father? Hell no! I just can't picture why Larry would have sex with something so disgusting. But whatever. I wonder who's next?

2. Howard Stern

Howard was her lawyer and his name was on the girl's birth certificate. That sounds like proof to me. So why isn't it? By the way, Anna Nicole's relationship with a world-famous talk radio star didn't exactly improve her "gold digger" label.

3. Mark Hatten
 
EWWWWWWWW!!!! Is this the most disgusting picture or what? I quote Wikipedia again:

Hatten was another of Smith's former boyfriend of two years. He is serving a seven year eight month sentence in Pleasant Valley State Prison for making terrorist threats to Smith and was up for parole on December 24, 2007. Hatten's sister Jackie confirmed that Hatten gave Smith a sperm donation the time they dated prior to his incarceration. Hatten has also corresponded from prison about Smith with her mother, the entertainment news show Extra, and the online tabloid magazine TMZ.com signing his letters Mark "Hollywood" Hatten. In his November 2006 correspondence with Extra, Hatten vowed that he would officially drop the Marshall v. Marshall case because it had "ruined the lives" of Smith and her son. Hatten also claimed in his correspondence to Extra and TMZ.com that Smith miscarried two of his children in 2000 and 2001.

He has also came forward to claim paternity of the baby. Other sources: Hatten's sister also said that her brother cannot be believed. Hatten's attorney Paul Fegen told Extra they plan to file a paternity claim.


....

Wow. Just how promiscuous is this woman? And why didn't she die from STD's instead? She must've had at least 20 of them.

4. Frédéric Prinz von Anhalt

Prince Frederick is Zsa Zsa Gabor's ninth (and longest-lasting) husband. He supposedly had an affair with Anna Nicole for a few years, so he could potentially be the father of her baby. Is this guy for real? I mean, I think that if I was married to a 90 year old miss congeniality, I would also cheat on her and routinely have sex with someone who isn't even half as fossilized as she is. But come on! Anna Nicole Smith? ANNA NICOLE SMITH!? Why, when his brother Marcus Prinz von Anhalt (actually, he's not his brother; he just bought the surname from him so he could profit from the fame) even runs a brothel? If he gave his name to his "brother," then he should have unlimited access to his brother's whores. Am I right, or am I right?

Somehow, he got people to believe (well, except me...) that he had a relationship with Anna Nicole Smith and fathered her baby Dannielynn. He supposedly also took three lie detector tests on the subject and passed all of them. Lie detector tests are bullshit and everyone knows that. Somebody should tell Penn & Teller to make an episode about how easy it is to cheat the lie detector test. Hey Penn! LIE DETECTOR TESTS ARE BULLSHIT! I hope Penn Jillette actually reads this and follows my advice. But anyway, that statement also came from Prince Frederick's lawyer. Lawyer is synonymous with liar. Lawyers get paid to lie. Plain and simple.

He's not the father. Moving on.

5. Alexander Denk

Is this the guy? I don't even know anymore. If there's no picture on Wikipedia, I'm totally lost. Anna's Austrian actor of a bodyguard also had a lot of sex with her. He said Anna wanted to have a baby with him. How many babies did Anna Nicole Smith want to have anyway? This is just plain ridiculous.

You know what? I give up. I'm not writing anymore. I'm sick of hearing about Anna. I'm glad she's dead. Now can we PLEASE have this DNA test released and get it over with?